I have forgotten how to flirt.
I feel out of sorts, i feel like crying all these emotions out. But the truth is, I dont even know what I am feeling. I dont know who I am thinking of, I dont know what I am thinking of them. I don’t know my directions and I am lost.
I am zee aunt agony.
I have been listening to yens, Steve, ling, Jess, Susan. Wish to listen to Addi but he’s a covert friend. Wish to find dignity for all in this mess of a company. Wish to know the solutions to every underlying current. Wish to dissolve all unhappiness and make my friends who matter to me happy again.
Lastly, i wish for world peace.
Once again, every two weeks, i rise and fall with this pattern. It’s almost a refreshing thought, thinking to myself that I have learnt to handle this.
Alvin, why you so silly? Do you really need me that much? Why do you turn to me every time you are at your lowest? Dont you know that when you chose to let me go, you chose to set me free? Do you really still love me?
Had a lovely time with J yesterday, just being honest and revealing ourselves to each other. Things are getting serious.. He has his doubts, but I now know how much he seems willing to invest in me. I should be enjoying this. But today, I’m a mess. Is it funny that somewhere in me, this glint of grey dust refuses to open up my broken heart and let go of my past. That it has gotten used to this dire state and now seeks comfort in this familiar sadness. Even as happiness presents itself on a silver platter, all I want to do is to curl up in a corner in the darkness and stay there, where nothing can touch me again. I need the colours to sparkle again.
I’m outta love but i cant forget the past. I’m outta words but I’m sure it will never last. You just get me, like I’ve never been gotten before.
Alvin, i thought so much of you today. It’s as though i kept you in a little pocket by my heart. And now that there is a remote chance that I might have to throw you away to make space for someone, all I can bring myself to do is to hold on even tighter. Life is turning out kind of funny for me.
J brought me to Tavistock Park for a wine picnic after I was done for the day. And we just talked till the wine ran out. And we got another bottle at his place. And we talked till the next bottle ran out too.
You know, it was really just simple, sweet and endearing. Awww Worthy.
Meeting him for dins tonight! AAHAHA we crazy yeah we crazyyyy!
So we’re speeding towards that time of year
To the day that marks that you’re not here
And i think I’ll want to be alone
So please understand if I dont answer the phone
I’ll just sit and stare at my deep blue walls
Until I can see nothing at all .
Life is getting better, I am enjoying the new attention. But behind these smiles, i still think of you alot. It’s getting lesser. And I wish you are doing well in the states. I wish you would have had a great time, and found some new friends.
(Source: drapetomania)
Thats the most important takeaway. Now I need to grow on my own, I need to respect space. And who knows what happens in the future. You can’t beat it.
Truth is, I realized how lousy I was at handling this breakup. I realize how silly I have been to not see the truth. To candycoat my own world when the only one hurting myself is me. I gotta learn to be better than this.
May be alone for awhile but till then, who knows what will happen? :) Maybe I’d be in Aussie making big bucks! Life only excites me. The adrenaline is pumping!
